MEN & WOMEN

Men In The Baby Food Department

TO KEEP A WOMAN HAPPY, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

TO KEEP A MAN HAPPY, a woman only needs to:
1. Give him lots of SEX
2. Feed him well
3. Let him have the remote control
4. Leave him in peace.

A Good One !

From a man:

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Very true !

The right thing to do...

Girls May Cheat More Than Men

According to a Cosmo poll, women are the ones getting extra action. Can you honestly say you've never smooched a random Romeo even when you had a sweet boyfriend?

Cosmo conducted anonline poll of 1,000 single men and 1,000 single women, and 55 percent of guys and a shocking 59 percent of ladies said they have cheated on a partner. We asked relationship therapist Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., author of Make Up, Don't Break Up, to explain why women are more apt to wander.

We Get Off on the Rush
Women crave the endorphin high from the initial attraction they feel toward a new guy.

We Want Attention
Girls may cheat because they feel taken for granted. A new lover gives them the TLC that their beau doesn't.

We Feel Pressured
When women stress (especially over their guy), they may seek out another stud to lean on as a distraction.

Men do have trouble hearing women

BEIJING, Aug. 10 -- Men who are accused of never listening by women now have an excuse — women's voices are more difficult for men to listen to than other men's, British scientists found.

The Daily Mail, quoting findings published in the specialist magazine NeuroImage, said researchers at Sheffield University in northern England discovered startling differences in the way the brain responds to male and female sounds.

Men deciphered female voices using the auditory part of the brain that processes music, while male voices engaged a simpler mechanism, it said.

The newspaper quoted researcher Michael Hunter as saying: “The female voice is actually more complex than the male voice, due to differences in the size and shape of the vocal cords and larynx between men and women, and also due to women having greater natural 'melody' in their voices.”

“This causes a more complex range of sound frequencies than in a male voice.” Hunter explained.

The findings may help explain why people suffering hallucinations usually hear male voices, the report added, as the brain may find it much harder to conjure up a false female voice accurately than a false male voice.

(Source: Shenzhen Daily/Agencies)

Why Men Sleep A Lot

For a larger view, go here.

Another Difference Between the Two

You Are In Love...

When you are together with that special someone,
you pretend to ignore that person.
But when that special someone is not around,
you might look around to find them.
At that moment, you are in love…

Although there is someone else
who always makes you laugh,
your eyes and attention might go only to that special someone.
Then you are in love...

Although that special someone
was supposed to have called you long back
to let you know of their safe arrival, your phone is quiet.
You are desperately waiting for that call.
At that moment you are in love…

If you are much more excited
for one short e-mail from that special someone
than other many long e-mails,you are in love…

When you find yourself as one
who cannot erase all the messages in your answering machine
because of that one message from that special someone,
you are in love...

When you get a couple of free movie tickets,
you would not hesitate to think of that special someone.
Then, you are in love…

While you are reading this page,
if someone appears in your mind,
then you are in love with that person…

25 Things Guys Want Girls To Know !!

1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are.

2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a LOSER.

3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5. Don't treat us like crap. What goes around comes around.

6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you.

7. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.

8. We never shave our legs. So get over it.

9. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong....

10. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't.

11. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us.

12. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

13. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong."

14. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

15. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

16. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.

17. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean.

18. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

19. PMS is not an excuse.

20. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done.

21. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on.

22. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach..... and maybe.... oh nevermind.

23. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong.

24. We always notice how funny it is after your rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends.

25. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.

If Women Ruled The World

MEN vs Women

Some differences…

ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves.
Women's Restrooms always have long lines.

CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

CHEERLEEDERS:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.

COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge.
The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

GARAGES:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

GOING OUT:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she **will** be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

HATS:
Women look good in hats.
Men look like idiots.

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt."
The man groans and doubles over, and actually *feels* the pain.

MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction; he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

MOUSTACHES:
Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with moustaches.

MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With the Wind".
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".

NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Every year, men have to be reminded of his children's birthdays.

PLANTS:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants.
The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

POLITICS:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

RELATIONSHIPS:
First of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or in some unfortunate circumstances "that time when Suzie and I were doing it on a semi- regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us".

This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.

Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

SPORTS ARENAS:
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas.
The women usually end up following men.

SEX:
Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible.
For the man, driving back to her place is considered part of foreplay.

TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks , and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
However, the only toys women still keep around when they grow up still require batteries, only few in number and smaller in size.

UNDERWEAR:
Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear.
There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Gender Differences

Accidental Flirt ?

Men often believe you're flirting with them even when you're not. Here are the ten ways you can unknowingly send out the wrong signal …

1. Putting one more kiss at the end of an email than he did. Women are naturally friendly - if flirting is a mountain, they're always walking in the lower foothills. But men want to get to the peak as soon as possible. Your extra 'x' was done without thinking. He assumes you're starting an auction of kisses that will end up with the two of you in bed.

2. Saying you like his shirt. The average man doesn't notice clothes - if you notice his, he'll think it's because you want to see them on your bedroom floor.

3. Asking questions about his girlfriend. You're just being nosy about his love life. He thinks you want a walk-on part in it.

4. Talking about your own relationship problems. You find it easy to discuss these things. Men don't, so he'll imagine that you're auditioning replacements for your boyfriend.

5. Approaching him at a party. Men see starting a conversation as the first stage of seduction. They can't understand why you'd do it just to be friendly.

6. Touching his arm as you talk. Women are more tactile than men - they forget that testosterone can be brought to the boil by the merest brush of a female hand.

7. Teasing him. You're doing it simply because you can, and it amuses you. He sees it as an early phase of the mating ritual.

8. Ignoring a call on your mobile when you're with him. You hit 'divert' because it's your boss and you don't want to talk to her - but the man's ego tells him you're captivated by his witty conversation.

9. Re-applying your make-up. A fresh coat of lip-gloss makes you feel good about yourself. He thinks it's being done to attract him.

10. Dancing with him. It's an Abba record - you'd dance with the nearest hat-stand - but your partner in boogie assumes that you want his body.

Don't Ask A Guy These...

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.

1. `What are you thinking?'
2. `Do you love me?'
3. `Do I look fat?'
4. `Do you think she's prettier than me?'
5. `What would you do if I died?'

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1. `What are you thinking?'

The proper answer to this question, of course, is: 'I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.' Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - football.
b - baseball.
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

The best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married with Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
His answer: 'If I wanted you to know I'd be talking instead of thinking'

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2. 'Do you love me?'

The correct answer to this question is, 'Yes.'
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer. 'Yes dear.'

Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by 'love'.
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3. 'Do I look fat?'

The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
'No, of course not' and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4. 'Do you think she's prettier than me?'

The 'she' in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passerby you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is: 'No, you are much prettier.'

Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5. 'What would you do if I died?'

Correct answer: 'Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first truck that came my way.'

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

'Dear,' said the wife, `what would you do if I died?'

'why, dear, I would be extremely upset,' said the husband. 'Why do you ask such a question?'

'Would you remarry?' persevered the wife.

'No, of course not, dear,' said the husband.

'Don't you like being married?' said the wife.

'Of course I do, dear,' he said.

'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

'All right,' said the husband, 'I'd remarry.'

'You would?' said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

'Yes,' said the husband.

`Would you sleep with her in our bed?' said the wife after a long pause.

'Well yes, I suppose I would,' replied the husband.

'I see,' said the wife indignantly. 'And would you let her wear my old clothes?'

'I suppose, if she wanted to,' said the husband.

'Really,' said the wife icily. `And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?'

'Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.'

'Is that so?' said the wife, leaping to her feet. 'And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too.'

'Of course not, dear,' said the husband. 'She's left-handed.'

The Difference Between Men & Women

excerpted from Dave Barry's extremely funny Guide to Guys

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking:... so that means it was... let's see . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have.. Oh, I feel so......" (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that... It's that I... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

The Truth About Girls

When a girl says she's sad, but she isn't crying, it means she's crying in her heart.

When she ignores you after you've done something wrong, it's best to give her some time to cool down before touching her heart with an apology.

A girl can't find anything to hate about the guy she loves (which is why it is so hard for her to 'get over him' after the relationship's over).

If a girl loves a guy, he will always be on her mind every minute of the day, even though she flirts with other guys.

When the guy she likes smiles and stares deep into her eyes, she will melt.

A girl likes to hear compliments, but usually is not sure how to react to them.

When a particular guy flirts with a girl very often, a girl would start thinking the guy likes her. So if you treat a girl just as a friend, go easy on the smiles and stare ok?

If you don't like a girl who likes you, break it to her gently.

If a girl starts avoiding you after you reject her, leave her alone for a while. If you still treat her as a friend, talk to her.

Girls enjoy talking about what they feel. Music, poetry, drawings and writing are ways of expressing themselves (which explains why most girls like writing journals).

Never tell a girl that she is useless in any way.

Being too serious can turn a girl off.

When the guy she likes calls her for the first time, the girl may act uninterested during the call. But as soon as the phone is back on the hook, she will whoop with joy and immediately start telephoning her friends to spread the news.

A smile means a lot to a girl.

If you like a girl, try making friends with her first. Let her get to know you.

If a girl says she can't go out with you because she has to study, leave. But if she still calls you or expect a call from you, stay.

Don't try to guess a girl's feelings. Ask her.

Hearing the words "I love you" is a great reassurance to a girl that she is beautiful.

After a girl falls in love with a guy, she'll wonder why she never noticed him before.

If you need tips on how to flirt with a girl, read romance stories.

When class pictures come out, a girl would first check who is standing next to her crush before actually looking at herself.

A girl's ex-crush will always be in her memory, but the guy she loves now stays in her heart.

Girls love having fun!

A simple 'Hi' can brighten a girl's day.

A girl's best friends usually know best what she is feeling and going through.

Girls hate it when a guy pays attention to them just to get close to their 'prettier' friend.

Love means devotion, caring and happiness to a girl, in that order.

Some girls care about looks, some care about brains, but ALL girls want a guy who will love and care for them.

Girls want nothing more than to feel loved.

Types of Women

HARD-DISK Woman

She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman

She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman

Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman

They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman

She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman

Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman

Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman

She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman

She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman

Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman

Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything...

Reasons to Love Men

They've got that comfortable place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.

They're at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.

They're enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we're not.

They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.

Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.

Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires.

Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around.

The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backward.

How tender they get when they cry, and how seldom they do it.

What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.

They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.

They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.

They don't mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.

Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs.

Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for.

They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say.

They rarely lie about their age, their weight, or their clothing size.

How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie.

How nice their butts look in jeans.

How nice their hands look holding ours.

Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out.

Their ignorance is usually amusing.

They have a great sense of competition.

They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you" is added).

Though they often try to hide it, they're very tenderhearted and caring.

They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't want them to.

They don't care whether colors match, but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be.

They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.